Failing Gracefully

Growing up, what I remember most when it came to success was doing things the "right" way. It was all about performance. Less about why you had to learn something, and more about what you could actually produce.

Now as a parent to a young daughter, I often find myself reflecting on my own upbringing and the impact it had on my perfectionistic tendencies. My desire to get everything done the "right" way. It wasn't uncommon for me to feel like a failure, or worse, to feel like I had done my best at something and it still wasn't enough. I was not enough.

That's a feeling I never want my daughter to experience. And yet I still often find myself perpetuating the same messaging of doing things the "right" way when it comes to her tasks. Whether it's cleaning up, how she eats her meals, or even something as simple as our bedtime routine, I find myself falling into the same trap that generations above me conditioned me into.

So what's the alternative?

Learning how to fail gracefully.

Recognizing that all failure really is... is feedback. Objectively, it's a data point. From that perspective, you can choose what you want to do with that data point. No shame. No judgment. Just data.

Sounds great in theory, right? Look, I know we all want to succeed. Yes, I'm using that generalization of "all," because deep down, I believe that to be true. One of the core truths in life is our desire for growth, even when we may not acknowledge it consciously.

And yet, how can we grow without failure?

I wish this concept was taught to me as a child. I wish failure was normalized as a natural part of life rather than as an outlier, or worse, as a reflection of your character or your worth. I never felt allowed to fail growing up, so I never learned the skills that allowed me to fail gracefully.

Now, as an adult, I've built my own rules when it comes to learning how to fail. These are the steps I hope to pass on to my kids. The ones that break the cycle of transgenerational bullshit, to allow for unabated growth.

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Step 0: Give yourself permission to fail.
Remember, there’s no failure only feedback.

Step 1: When you inevitably fail, acknowledge the pain, and lick your wounds.
The feelings that accompany failure sucks. Acknowledge them. Disappointment, frustration, sadness, anger, these re all real. Let those emotions out fully: whether through talking, journaling, music, physical activity, shouting, whatever works for you.

Step 2: Celebrate and be Curious

Celebrate! You just got through the hardest part of the failure process. Now it's time to get curious: What happened? Where did you miss the mark? Was there anything more you could've done? What do you know now that you didn't know before?

Step 3: Run it back, celebrate at 90%
If first you don't succeed, try and try again. We often spend so much time fixating on the last 10% of our goals, that we forget to be present for the journey, and recognize what it took to get us to 90%. A- is still an A.

Step 4: Good enough IS enough
No, this isn't about lowering your standards. This is about practicing contentment. The Gottmans say that a healthy relationship is a "good enough" relationship. That same strategy is applicable to most areas of life.

Step 5: Integrate the lessons learned, and be grateful for the experience.

That's it. Keep it simple.

Failure isn't the exception to life; it's the driving force of it. Without failures, we would not be where we are today. Most immigrant parents rejected and pushed away from failure as a means of survival, but no one told us what to do after we've surpassed survival.

Here's the answer: Fail Gracefully.

This is the foundation of thriving. Let's all thrive together.