Knowledge is Half the Battle

So there I was, in the middle of a disagreement with my wife. Nothing out of the ordinary, just one of those conversations that started to get a little heated. Rather than responding like an emotionally mature adult, being curious, talking about our feelings, I fell into the trap that so many of my clients find themselves getting caught into. I became emotionally flooded. I shut down. I avoided. Isolated. Gave one word answers.

To her credit, she noticed my reaction, didn't push further, and just let me sit in my own discomfort. Talk about f*cking uncomfortable.

What was really going on was pretty simple. She was trying to communicate something that mattered to her, and I couldn't receive it. This is the type of healthy interaction we want to see in relationships. To be able to bring up the uncomfortable bits and air them out.

And what was I doing? Becoming triggered. Overwhelmed. Shrinking. Letting my emotions and defense mechanisms run wild. I was watching this happen in real time, and although my rational mind knew it wasn't the healthiest way of responding, it's like I couldn't help myself but to get quiet and shut down.

And, I'm a Goddamn THERAPIST. I should know better…right?

So what the f*ck was actually going on?

I was emotionally flooded. Rather than responding rationally, I regressed into a younger, emotionally immature part of myself, and my body went into survival mode. It happens to the best of us, yes, even to us trained folks. In fact, just because you know what to do doesn't mean you automatically end up doing it. How many times have you committed to going to the gym, only to end up on the couch watching one more episode of your favorite Netflix show? Knowledge is only half the battle.

What I needed in that moment was time and space to get my emotions regulated. That’s just a fancy way of saying I needed to calm down and get my emotions right.

It is only after our body and emotions are settled that we can look at the whole picture and become curious. I was battling a host of mixed thoughts and feelings, and it wasn't until I allowed these feelings to be released through journaling, meditation, my own therapy, and a long walk outside that I realized why my defense mechanisms were doing what they were doing.

It can be difficult to admit when you're wrong. It's even worse when you feel ashamed about your behavior. And if you have a bad reaction to shame, it's common to find yourself doubling down on your defense mechanisms just to protect yourself from experiencing that uncomfortable feeling. (Conditioned Asian shame is real.)

It took me well over a day to reflect and get settled. To recognize my own part, and understand what was actually going on. That might sound like a long time, but the younger and more immature version of me would've never even gotten there. Worse yet, I probably would've avoided it entirely and pretended like it never happened. Sound familiar?

Why am I sharing all of this?

Because I think there's something important in seeing that the people who are technically trained in this stuff still struggle with it. That knowing better and doing better aren't the same thing. That repair isn't instant, and it doesn't have to be. What matters is that you get there. That you come back, own your part, and do the work.

If you're someone who shuts down, avoids, or goes quiet when things get uncomfortable, just know you're not broken. You're doing what your nervous system learned a long time ago. The goal isn't to never have that reaction. The goal is to shorten the distance between the shutdown and the repair.

I'm still working on it. You can too.